Has anyone figured out how to get out of the way when the boulder is coming straight at your head? Sure, you can duck - but it's a heat seaking device that will track you down no matter how hard you to try to hide. That is how I feel right now. The phrase that is the chant in my head is: it keeps coming and it keeps coming and coming and won't ever stop. There isn't time for anything. I don't have time to clean my house - everyone wants me to do something for them. And when I fall short, I appear incompetent or lazy or indifferent. My professional life has moved from being a decision maker working in an office to a bruised and exhausted grunt worker stuck in the very last cubicle in the office. The very last. walled off from everyone. Right next to the humming server room and the door the garage - which is, apparently, my new domain. No, there is no statement there. I don't believe the management has the intellect to understand what they've done to me. They didn't understand or right their ship when my husband walked off the job. They didn't make any changes when another employee did the very same thing.
Am I really incompetent? Am I really unable to get the work done? I have so many doubts. The straws are adding up. My back will soon break and I will bolt too. I was scolded for not doing my job quickly enough by the 21 year old receptionist. I am humiliated. Still... I am the one meeting the clients and writing their quotes. I am the one smoothing over the ruffled feathers of the customer who are interrogated and treated so rudely by that very 21-year-old receptionist.
I would like to scream. I would like to break something. With each sentence I write I realize I have forgotten that I need to do something else.... tickets for the next weekend's show, write to the director to excuse my daughter, decorate for a reception, work on the photo book, finish my taxes, get the cruise info ready for daughter, pay the bills, balance the check book, vacuum? hahahahah. Then there is monday... three meetings, my good friend has asked to meet for coffee (and I don't have time!), the purchase reports need to be done, the warehouse needs to be cleared up, the mess in my (very last) cubicle needs to be cleared up, tickets need to be finished, customers called back, quotes written, schedules minded.
the very most telling remark made about me was accidental. James came to give me a phone call. I said - "NO! enough already!" Later when I apologized to him for being snarky he replied that he didn't think I was mad - just being sarcastic - and that he really didn't think I had any limits.
I have about reached my limit. I can't continue this path. I have never felt like this before in my life.
Oh yeah, and the other thing on Monday - the doctor's appointment at 5pm to check on why my blood pressure can't seem to be put under control.
Any guesses?